Thursday, November 30, 2006

Fugly Face-off!

It's one man pitted against another, each trying to one-up the other in all things fugly!


"Yes, I am looking pretty fugly. Get a load of this bow tie!"


"Dude! Check me out in my black-bow-tie-with-blue-suit, plus these ridiculously oversized Nicole Ritchie sunglasses!"

"Fortunately I have both a matching vest and highly visible sweatstains! Beat that!"

"Double whammy! Red scarf tied around the head and a double-breasted vest made from upholstery! That's impossible to beat!"

"We have a new fugly champion!"

(Screenshots from the song "Chaand Mera Dil" from 1977's Hum Kisi Se Kum Nahin)

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Baazigar (Part II)

Worst backup dancer costumes, you say?

I don’t think so...

The male dancers look like a pack of cards.

I won’t even start on SRK’s fugly outfit (What’s the "X" on his t-shirt stand for? And those pants! Ew!) and Kajol’s shocking-pink, fringe-tastic, beaded, legging number.

(For the record, I adore early 1990's Kajol; I had the same frizzy hair and eyebrows circa 1993.

Kidding aside, she’s one of my Bollywood faves.)

Baazigar (Part I)

SRK dressed like "Zorro." SRK in short-shorts. SRK in sailor wear. SRK as a matador.

Need I say more?

Fashion Smorgasbord

One of my all-time favorite Bollywood films is Main Khiladi Tu Anari (1994). It's just got it ALL - genuine AND unintentional comedy, some good songs, Akshay Kumar and Saif Ali Khan... I find it delightful. And it has got some of the most excessive fashion ever seen on screen - too much of everything.

The backup dancers were particularly ill-dressed in this film. Note the ankle boots and black leggings paired with the be-sequined and be-feathered tutus.

Here in a closeup we can see the overall design confusion - Too Much Of Everything. Simplicity and one overarching theme is not in this designer's playbook.

From a distance, it appears the girls are wearing cheerleader costumes; they have just discarded the pom-poms and twirling batons they entered with. The skirts are sequined, they are wearing visors, and playing flutes. Like all cheerleaders do.

Not content with an actual cheerleader costume, our designer has chosen to give the girls ruched tube tops with spaghetti straps, and hoop earrings with wide choker necklaces.

What has to be the most embarrassing male backup dancer costume in the history of Bollywood. Gentlemen, I am so very sorry.

It's difficult to get a clear shot of the jacket Saif is wearing in this number, but the sleeves are hung with chains, and the front of the jacket is covered with medallions, crosses, and other large silver pendants.

Here we have Akshay and Shilpa Shetty in the "Churake Dil Mera" number. Shilpa wears a different animal for each location; red Leopard for making out on the beach...

...Zebra for frolicking dockside...

...Tiger for rolling around in the grass...

...and the most endangered of them all, Linoleum for boating. Note that with Akshay, we get not only the gold chain and open shirt of the 70s, but also the Miami Vice pastel jacket with the pushed-up sleeves.

I may need to create an entire post just for Shakti Kapoor's wardrobe.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Baabul boo-boos

Baabul boo-boo No. 1

When bad dye jobs happen to good people...

Baabul boo-boo No. 2

The 70s called and they want their Members Only - the Leather Edition - jacket back.

Baabul boo-boo No. 3

She's mighty pretty, but there are a lot of colors happening on that tiny Bengali frame...

Was there a sale on bandanas?

Is this like the Al Pachino film where the color of your bandana means something?

Never mind that Uday wears one during the entire movie. At one point they even get Hrithik to don one:

Monday, November 27, 2006

Bit O' News

OK... not really fashion-related, but an important bit of Bollywood gossip; and in the American media, no less!

Bollywood + Bee Girl + waaay too much thrusting = "Main Khiladi Tu Anari"

Courtesy of Fivil's dissertation on Sakshay, which might well be the funniest thing you ever read, even if you, like I, haven't seen any of the movies, I give you "Main Khiladi Tu Anari" from the film of the same name.

(Main Khiladi Tu Anari, 1994)

To be fair - fairness first, after all - the leads and some of the folks in the background just look silly because it's 1994, and I reckon they don't look any sillier than any of the rest of us did in 1994. It's the dancers' outfits that offend.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Is it Retro or plain Fugly?

Ok, so she´s a dancer in a nightclub, but does that mean that she has to scare me like that? (here a better view of the eyeshadow to further my point)

Don´t know why, but her stage dress had me thinking of a Halloween costume I wore during the late 80ies.

And it´s not only for a short item number, she even gets to nag Sanjay about him never proposing to her dressed like that in

Bollywood Fugly lesson #4: do rock the trademarks of the times

(I wrote this completely independently of Babasko's post on "Retro or Fugly," I swear!)

Hey Hercules, what time is it?

According to my watch, it's pushing a quarter past poncho.

(Amar Akbar Anthony, 1977)

Can it count as "fugly" if it's quintessential? This is really only outrageous from our smug 2006 standpoint (from which we will choose to overlook the brief return of the poncho two years ago, blip that it was, even among those of us who knit and secretly wanted to make one). It's interesting how some trademarks of certain eras hold up as "classic" and others just look dated. I don't know what the difference is, but I know it when I see it. And even if the poncho isn't inherently fugly, it's still funny, especially because here it's being worn by a tough guy/bodygaurd/spurned lover, so here you go.*

Contrast with Shabana Azmi's floral blouse, which is also really 70s to me, especially with the knot in front, but here it just looks fun and flirty, somehow "classic" rather than hopelessly lost.

And the sunny yellow pants are a great complement, although probably I should point out here that if your pants are more bell-bottomed than Vinod Khanna's, future generations may giggle.

Although their laughter is hollow, because they're jealous they doesn't get to romp about with Vinod and, thirty years later, still totally rock the screen.

* Plus I was hoping to do some fancy linguistic tie-in if "poncho," like "punch," derives from "paanch." Sadly, according to the OED, it doesn't.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Another shot from Jeans...

... because apparently I can't get enough of this film.

Sorry, Granny, you look like a trannie.

Uncle Chest 101

You've heard me use the term repeatedly: Uncle Chest. Several of you have asked me to explain, "what is this Uncle Chest you speak of?" Well, I'll explain, but not before making the guilt-inducing statement, that in order to offer an illustrative explanation I have had to suffer way more Salman Khan than I ever, ever, EVER wanted to. I hope you're happy...

(don't encourage him, he'll strip for absolutely no reason!)

Uncle Chest is like this: Salman Khan is 40-some years old. Technically, an "uncle" to most of the girls he's cast opposite, or trying to attract at the box office, and certainly older than one of my uncles. So the fact that he habitually takes off his shirt in every single movie he comes in, within the first 4 minutes... it's just plain icky. I mean, the fact that he's had hairplugs, and the fact that he's pimping the hairless-oiled-dude shtyle, ala 1986, is just sooo soooooooo icky. I would rather see my dad run around with his shirt off than Salman Khan. And my dad is "uncle" to my peers: Thus, Uncle Chest. It's my way of saying "dude, you are TOO OLD! Put your damn clothes back on because NOBODY wants to see your fossilized old man bod!" Seriously, in most states, old men who flash young ladies wind up getting arrested.

do something? like put your clothes back on?

That's not how you fix a sink, moron.

no really, Bob Villa, it was totally necessary to take off your shirt and use it fix the faucet, as opposed to teflon tape or a wrench or something.

Exhibits A thru Q:

there are no words to describe how NOT-thirsty for soda I am right now.
Towels, short-shorts, faux-tribal costumes, capri pants!?! Didn't anybody ever explain to him that the mystery of the body is sexier than overt exhibitionism? (and denim short-shorts!) There are more, many more, but my eyes started bleeding and I couldn't bear to look at any more evidence without incurring a copay.

SK: what? I'm not shirtless!
Rani: you're joking, right?

NOT Uncle Chest:
D:2, y'all! opens in mere days... can you handle the hottness?

Amisha The Blonde Bombshell!

Will The Real Goldilocks Please Stand Up! No offense to Amisha fans (are there any?) but the woman needs to change her designer pronto! Here peroxide hair, her bleached skin , her constant babbling about her affinity to Louis Vuitton and being a designer icon makes me wonder what the woman is smoking! Anyways hope Amisha never goes back to her Goldilocks avatar or I may have to send over the 3 Big Bears!

Being a punju my self please take my word that we don't dance on the streets wearing such garish clothes and calling them sexy! I need to lie down after such an abomination !Maybe thats why Arjun wore those shades!

Monday, November 20, 2006

Bollywood Fugly lesson #3: if the hat is wider than your hips and taller than your torso, put it back on the shelf

From my friend and all-around hep cat Teleport City, I bring you the Indian Research and Analysis Wing official-issue Gigantic, Floppy Green Sombrero, what all the well-dressed spies were wearing to fight Pakistani terrorism in 1968.

(Aankhen, 1968)

It was hard to pick just one thing from this movie to showcase, but since Teleport City sent me this one specially, I saw fit to christen it the flagship. Flip through the rest of the pictures on his review and you'll find even more fashion fabulousness, most of it quite good indeed, with above-the-elbow gloves and pegged trouser suits. But yeah, the hat is ridiculous. It's also completely impractical - first of all, the movie is set in Japan, not Mexico, and second, how are you supposed to unleash your fierce fighting moves in a hat that throws off your center of gravity? No.

So, you super spy dames, remember htis: if Emma Peel didn't wear it, then don't you, either.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Austin Powers got nothin' on this!

Kush Tandon sent me some links to a few wacky old school filmi segments earlier this week.

Below is the most fugtacular of them all.
(Don't let the rhythmic panting or floor sliding distract you.)

[From Apna Desh (1972)]

Check out another 70's highlight: bong smoking hippies who naturally, also sing.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Ah, Kareena...

I thought that, rather than focus on one particular film, I would call forth the ire of those who love their Kareena by focusing on her occasional misbegotten attire.

Here we have Kareena in 36 China Town; note the... um... skirt. Beach towel? Beach ball? Your guess is as good as any. Although I think the Shahid accessory does wonders for her overall appearance!

I actually liked Mujhse Dosti Karoge despite it's more obvious flaws; one being Kareena's inexplicably cut denim pantsuit with the unzipped top (which is yet hooked together at the top...?) Weird.

In Ajnabee, you will note that despite the lurid, yet suitably tropical attire of the rest of the cast, Kareena is wrapped in silver lamé... and wearing Birkenstock sandals.

Finally, we have Main Prem Ki Diwani Hoon, where the popular phrase come to mind: "She's not wearing those pants - those pants are wearing her!"