Uncle Chest 101

You've heard me use the term repeatedly: Uncle Chest. Several of you have asked me to explain, "what is this Uncle Chest you speak of?" Well, I'll explain, but not before making the guilt-inducing statement, that in order to offer an illustrative explanation I have had to suffer way more Salman Khan than I ever, ever, EVER wanted to. I hope you're happy...

(don't encourage him, he'll strip for absolutely no reason!)








Uncle Chest is like this: Salman Khan is 40-some years old. Technically, an "uncle" to most of the girls he's cast opposite, or trying to attract at the box office, and certainly older than one of my uncles. So the fact that he habitually takes off his shirt in every single movie he comes in, within the first 4 minutes... it's just plain icky. I mean, the fact that he's had hairplugs, and the fact that he's pimping the hairless-oiled-dude shtyle, ala 1986, is just sooo soooooooo icky. I would rather see my dad run around with his shirt off than Salman Khan. And my dad is "uncle" to my peers: Thus, Uncle Chest. It's my way of saying "dude, you are TOO OLD! Put your damn clothes back on because NOBODY wants to see your fossilized old man bod!" Seriously, in most states, old men who flash young ladies wind up getting arrested.






do something? like put your clothes back on?

That's not how you fix a sink, moron.

no really, Bob Villa, it was totally necessary to take off your shirt and use it fix the faucet, as opposed to teflon tape or a wrench or something.

Exhibits A thru Q:

there are no words to describe how NOT-thirsty for soda I am right now.

Towels, short-shorts, faux-tribal costumes, capri pants!?! Didn't anybody ever explain to him that the mystery of the body is sexier than overt exhibitionism? (and denim short-shorts!) There are more, many more, but my eyes started bleeding and I couldn't bear to look at any more evidence without incurring a copay.

SK: what? I'm not shirtless!
Rani: you're joking, right?

NOT Uncle Chest:

D:2, y'all! opens in mere days... can you handle the hottness?

Amisha The Blonde Bombshell!

Will The Real Goldilocks Please Stand Up! No offense to Amisha fans (are there any?) but the woman needs to change her designer pronto! Here peroxide hair, her bleached skin , her constant babbling about her affinity to Louis Vuitton and being a designer icon makes me wonder what the woman is smoking! Anyways hope Amisha never goes back to her Goldilocks avatar or I may have to send over the 3 Big Bears!

Being a punju my self please take my word that we don't dance on the streets wearing such garish clothes and calling them sexy! I need to lie down after such an abomination !Maybe thats why Arjun wore those shades!

Bollywood Fugly lesson #3: if the hat is wider than your hips and taller than your torso, put it back on the shelf

From my friend and all-around hep cat Teleport City, I bring you the Indian Research and Analysis Wing official-issue Gigantic, Floppy Green Sombrero, what all the well-dressed spies were wearing to fight Pakistani terrorism in 1968.

(Aankhen, 1968)

It was hard to pick just one thing from this movie to showcase, but since Teleport City sent me this one specially, I saw fit to christen it the flagship. Flip through the rest of the pictures on his review and you'll find even more fashion fabulousness, most of it quite good indeed, with above-the-elbow gloves and pegged trouser suits. But yeah, the hat is ridiculous. It's also completely impractical - first of all, the movie is set in Japan, not Mexico, and second, how are you supposed to unleash your fierce fighting moves in a hat that throws off your center of gravity? No.

So, you super spy dames, remember htis: if Emma Peel didn't wear it, then don't you, either.

Austin Powers got nothin' on this!

Kush Tandon sent me some links to a few wacky old school filmi segments earlier this week.

Below is the most fugtacular of them all.
(Don't let the rhythmic panting or floor sliding distract you.)

[From Apna Desh (1972)]

Check out another 70's highlight: bong smoking hippies who naturally, also sing.

Ah, Kareena...

I thought that, rather than focus on one particular film, I would call forth the ire of those who love their Kareena by focusing on her occasional misbegotten attire.

Here we have Kareena in 36 China Town; note the... um... skirt. Beach towel? Beach ball? Your guess is as good as any. Although I think the Shahid accessory does wonders for her overall appearance!

I actually liked Mujhse Dosti Karoge despite it's more obvious flaws; one being Kareena's inexplicably cut denim pantsuit with the unzipped top (which is yet hooked together at the top...?) Weird.

In Ajnabee, you will note that despite the lurid, yet suitably tropical attire of the rest of the cast, Kareena is wrapped in silver lamé... and wearing Birkenstock sandals.

Finally, we have Main Prem Ki Diwani Hoon, where the popular phrase come to mind: "She's not wearing those pants - those pants are wearing her!"

It's time for a fugly, fugly poll!

What is wrong with this picture?

Tighty-whiteys. Tighty-whiteys. Tighty-whiteys.

Make Free Online Polls

Not that there's anything wrong with gold boots...

If you've already seen this, you know how much you want to watch it again!
If you haven't seen it, you have no idea what you're missing!
(Make sure you're not drinking anything though.)

Presenting: a moment from Ellam Inba Mayam (1981).

Blame it on the Choreographer

DesiDancer wagered the opinion that choreographer Shiamak Davar was much to blame for Rani’s disasterous outfits in "Nach Baliye" from Bunty Aur Babli

Davar, then, is responsible for the travesty that is "Le Gayi" from Dil To Pagal Hai. Lace-up sandals apparently made of duct tape, back-up dancers in ill-fitting gold-and-black leotards, white cat suits with oddly-placed cutouts (they look moth-ridden, not hot), a crop top-and-skirt combo made of what looks like chain mail--what was he thinking?

View this mess yourself:


In an otherwise well-fashioned movie, this surely stands out.

Darr: fear the shirt!

I won't talk about the Betty Boop sweater. It was 1993, after all - even I wore Betty Boop and Mickey Mouse sweaters in 1993. Of course, I was only 10 at the time. But you can't really blame Juhi for wanting some Betty in her life, what with Shahrukh's fugly shirt staring her in the face all the time. I believe the official name for that pattern is "floral vomit". Or if it isn't, it should be. Ugh.

The real reason why Don chose Roma...

Considering that Don killed that one guy over the secret message in his shoes,

he should have straight shot Anita over the antenna she was hiding in her hair...

obviously, he was quite in love with her or she wouldn't have made it to the end of the movie...

Dhoom 2; or, When Designers Try To Be Fashion-Forward

Now, where did I see this outfit before...?


Ah yes. Wendy Pepper's Project Runway design for the Supermarket Challenge in Season 1.

Oh Ash... Don't you have enough celebrity to have an agent who will make sure this sort of thing doesn't happen? Your beautiful hair...!

Now, Uday... Retro does NOT automatically mean re-adopting the Tacky. Watch Seinfeld re-runs. The Puffy Shirt episode, specifically. And if you're gonna hold a rose in your teeth (also a bad idea), please make it a real one, not plastic!


And Uday? I know Daddy's calling in all his favors to give you a career, and you are doing your part by bulking up... but that fabric for a Sleeveless Bicep shirt is all wrong. And let's not even mention the bandanna!

Misconception

Contrary to popular believe Aap Ki Khatir is NOT a movie about a prison fugitive hiding in the princess´chamber:

Bollywood Superheroes... Sort Of.

(Via Ultrabrown.)



I really have nothing to say. The clip speaks for itself.

the shoes make the man

(Parvarish, 1977)
I don't know if these qualify as full-on fugly, but they did make me pause the DVD, rewind, and giggle. It's conceivable that real peole did at one point in time wear shoes like this, although the last time I remember seeing similar footwear was in the Yellow Submarine movie. Based on the two movies I've seen him in, Vinod Khanna tends to rock the 1970s, and costume designers put him in clothes that are clearly of that era but do not tend to offend otherwise - sure, the pants are pretty tight and flared, and you can feel the polyester coming through the screen, but overall, the clothes are normal-ish. I can remember grown-ups in my hometown wearing not dissimilar things when I was young (hey, it's the small-town midwest, we're a bit behind the times). But what's weird about these shoes is that they veer towards the granny - as though they should be worn by the little old lady who owns Tweety Bird and thwaks Sylvester with a broom.

Also, this wig/beard getup is funny.


I won't bother to fug her clothes, because I think she's supposed to be in disguise as a hotel maid, but still. She's also wearing black sling-backs with white kneesocks. It's awful. The scene is like a Mel Brooks take on "Yeh Mera Dil" (although mysteriously released a year earlier).

Need a good laugh?

You MUST check out the drama Totally Basmatic's sister Fireball posted on her site! I don't think any of the shots are actually from films so again, I won't break the rules...

Check it out HERE.

Fanaa; or, Song of a Scarf

How Rehan loved his scarves...


He wore them every day.


Even when it was raining.


But then he met a pretty girl, who liked scarves too...


How could Rehan know she was planning on stealing his beloved scarves?


"Gimme back my scarves, you biotch!"

The moral of this tale... Do not grow too fond of scarves. You might get shot.

Aishwarya Rai Lie

There is a strict code of conduct to being a Bollywood Fugly Fashion Police officer, but I have to ask special Friday permission to deviate from the rules, just this once...

If I hide my mouth, they can't call me out...

None of us have fugged Aishwarya out yet, because she's usually gorgeous-beyond-words. But with that comes responsibility, and I'm sad to report, The Rai has let us down.

As you may know, Aishwarya Rai is an "ambassadress" for L'Oreal cosmetics. Which is fabulous, because I'm glad to see desi women get their due as icons of breathtaking beauty, and in turn it would suggest that major-label cosmetics companies are expanding their offerings to include products suited to the women of color. Yay!

Having recently discovered that my 2 favorite lipsticks, suited to a beige girl, have been discontinued, I was thrilled to discover L'Oreal's new "Star Secrets" line of products. Eva Longoria, Natalie Imbruglia, Penelope Cruz, and The Rai all have a palate of their own, as part of the "Star Secrets" line. I assumed Aishwarya's lipstick, "Aishwarya's Beige" would be a perfect shade for beige and brown girls...

looks good, right?

In various layouts and promo stills, Ash can be seen sporting her "Aishwarya's Beige" lipcolor, and it looks gorgeous. So $8 later, I was the proud owner of my own tube of "Aishwarya's Beige".

(allegedly wearing "Aishwarya's Beige")
F!U! G-L-Y! You ain't got no alibi! That's fugly!

Gurrrrrl! Why you lying? I know you're not even wearing your own lipstick... if it doesn't show up on me, I know this mess would wash you out and look invisible on your skin. Why you got to misrepresent? I believed you, Ash; I believed there was finally some makeup out there for us to wear, sista! Daayum. Just for that-- I'm not going to see Umrao Jaan, so I can recoup my $8, chor.

PS, my mascara looks nothing like this, either!

If you can get past the hideous fragrance that smells like your grandma's perfume (not that there's anything wrong with your grandma or her aroma, I just don't need the smell of her on my lips all day long), the color is next to invisible on any desi, olive-skinned or Latina woman, and suggests Rai probably can't even wear the product with her own name on it. "Aishwarya's Beige" ought to be called "Washed Out Anglo-Indian Item Girl"! Somebody get Helen on the phone, maybe she can pimp this stuff.

Ladies, dont' get Wronged by Rai-- this lipstick is crap.

dedicated to ANNA & Rupes.

We're watching you...

The ever-vigilant team of Bollywood Fashion Police never rests. No matter where you hide, no matter what language you try to fugg in, we will find you and rat you out for the Bollywood Fugliness you are.

October's top offenders, in no particular order:

You didn't know Stephen Colbert was hip to Bollywood Fugly, did ya?

Something frightful for Halloween

Pastel knickers, silver aprons, tinsel wigs with hood ornaments, cummerbunds, desi-fros, and white sneakers... Maanzil Maanzil looks to be Thriller meets disco.

watch out for the brown b-boys!

Is good, no?

WTF?!? Do I give her some candy or kick her off the porch, turn off the lights and hide?

Via Turbanhead. Trick or Treat, fugglers.

I hate to fug a movie before it comes out...

...BUT tell me why Hrithik is lookin' like,

"Hulk Hogan, are you my daddy?" in this pic.

Hulk says,
"I DON'T KNOW BROTHER!"